|The Continuing Adventures of Táséag
I never asked to be born, but
it happened anyway.
I was taken out of what I had
thought would be my final frontier.
I was caught up in a conspiracy
of universal proportions,
taken to a place of good intentions,
but questionable means.
It happened to me.
It can happen to you.
And the only way to get out
is to die.
I am Táséag
Glagaireacht and this is my life.
Tash, on the rebound from his failed relationship with Ramona Redhawk Tinklingwater (aka Shirley Murphy of Piscataway), the fiery druidess, drummer and treasurer of the Shillelagh Club, is cruising the Internet from
his home in Elizabeth, New Jersey, the only place on earth whose glow can
be seen from deep space.
He is elated when the 109th item turned up during an Infocreep search, keywords
"What Am I?" reveals the URL of the website for LuLu Llewinsky, the Prophet and Divinely Chosen Chief Arbiter of All That Is Celtic and his organization, LINGUS. Intrigued
by Lewinsky's authoritarian tone, Tash decides to
send for a catalog of upcoming pilgrimages.
Tash waits anxiously for the arrival of the LINGUS catalog. The monotony of his three day wait is broken only by the arrival of a postcard from his parents, Pat and Pat O'Doul. Mom and Dad have been travelling the countryside attending a series of workshops on living the Celtic life. Their latest, "Celtic Shamanism, the Oneida Casino Phenomenon, and Sacred Drumming," was held in the upstate New York metropolis of Gouverneur, a place which not even the natives can correctly pronounce, the name deriving from the old Onadaga word for "Home of Haughty French Cow Dropping." The postcard depicts a scene of the funkadelic night life of the city, while bearing the simple message, "TO TASH, BEANNACHT, Y'ALL!"
When the LINGUS catalog finally arrives, Tash is amazed at the seven page Application and Declaration of Celticness. He realizes that he had better shell out the $300 for LuLu Llewinsky's multi-tape course, "So You Think You're a Celt?" before daring to fill out the application which carries with it a penalty for perjury punishable in Wales and legally binding by Cornish Law. After several weeks of viewing the tapes and another several attending ACOA meetings (Aspiring Celts of America) in order to recover his decimated self-esteem, Tash feels he is ready to attend the CeltFest to be held at the sacred and isolated sanctuary of Stonehenge.
Tash's flight to England is uneventful until British customs officials become confused by his full name on his passport and go through all his luggage in case he is an IRA link to the Bader-Meinhoff. All they find is his Crane Bag, which they embarassingly empty in public, revealing his navel lint collection and that article of clothing from his first intimate encounter. At last, he makes it to Stonehenge and is permitted temporary passage through the barbed wire which, in the end, would have done far less damage to him than what transpired at the hands of LuLu Llewinsky and the LINGUS interns.
shows the crowd at Stonehenge surrounding the spot where Tash lay after fainting from the sight of the needle on the syringe with which a LINGUS intern proposed to draw blood from him for Celtogenetic testing.
The intern was really nice when I came to. We kind of hit it off and she promised that the next time she is stateside she'll let me know what "LINGUS" means. The whole experience at Stonehenge was somewhat unpleasant, though not as painful as when Ramona stopped by after seeing the photos.
But that's another story.